


The Most Unprofessional Incident Report: Narrated by Colonel Rhodes

by TintedPink



Series: Lysa Does Something Stupid [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, POV Outsider, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rhodey is So Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-25 21:05:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18171455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TintedPink/pseuds/TintedPink
Summary: Prompt: “This does not count as our first kiss!"





	The Most Unprofessional Incident Report: Narrated by Colonel Rhodes

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So I have so many long drafts running right now, so expect a bunch of short things until those are ready. I’m gonna try and alternate requests with my own ideas. Ending is like a cut away scene after Tony has read Rhodey’s report. (Yes, Tony has been missing with Stephen for 8 days. Yes, it’s for the reason you think it is.)

So, let’s start at the beginning.

Tony Stark and Stephen Strange are idiots. They’re respectively geniuses, but they are also idiots. They have always been idiots, but their idiocy seems to amplify itself when they’re around each other. They make each other more stupid. And yet, they’re doing whatever the hell they’re doing now.

I know, you want to know what this has to do with Tony being missing, but we’re getting there. I know you also want to know why this is relevant to the incident report, but trust me, you’re going to want to hear this.

Iron Man and I were called in to deal with a possible interdimensional incident. We arrived on scene at 15:24, as noted in the suit’s security footage. Shortly after our arrival, at approximately 15:27, Doctor Stephen Strange, Wizarding Asshole, arrived on scene. IM and WA proceeded to enter into a verbal altercation, replicated below from security footage.

IM: Oh, great, look Rhodey, the wizard showed up. Where’re your glasses, Potter? It really ruins the whole look when you don’t have them.

WA: Did you leave you pop culture reference book at home, Stark? That one was kind of weak.

IM: Oh, [redacted] you. What are you doing here? This is our scene. You don’t have jurisdiction here.

WA: I’m the Sorcerer Supreme. I have jurisdiction everywhere, you [redacted].

IM: Not here you don’t. Go, shoo, go teach some kids how to levitate something and leave this to the real heroes.

WA: I’ll remember that next time I’m in a position to save your life.

WM: Guys, we have a situation here. Can you have your lover’s spat some other time.

IM: Rhodey-bear, I’m hurt. I’d never stoop that low.

WA: You’re not exactly my idea of a catch either, Stark.

IM: Oh you’d be lucky to get a peek at my [redacted], Gandalf.

WA: I think you mean unlucky.

WM: Again. We have a situation in progress. Do not make me separate you like [redacted] children.

IM: Okay, but only for you.

Wizarding Asshole (Stephen Strange), did not answer, but they stopped fighting briefly. The footage of the containment of the interdimensional creature is attached.

—

After the battle WA and IM started to verbally fight again. I asked them to stop, but they refused to listen. They fought for five entire minutes before IM pulled a gauntlet on WA for calling him a “has been wanna be inventor” and fired once. WA conjured a shield that deflected the blast toward the containment unit of the previously mentioned interdimensional creature. The hole created in the containment unit was large enough for the non-vertebrae creature to squeeze through and release itself. I recontained the creature while IM and WA got their [redacted] together. I expect all the credit for the success of this mission.

Once the creature was contained a second time and I broke up their [redacted] fight again, they were glaring at each other like toddlers fighting over the last cookie who just got told neither of them could have it because they were acting like toddlers. We waited for SHIELD to take the containment unit away and then began clean up, with IM and WA attempting to show each other up with how much more they could lift with their respective skill sets. They made a bigger mess than we started with and I expect full credit for the clean up.

When they were done with their [redacted] measuring contest and I was done with clean up, IM offered to take me to dinner and made a smart remark about WA not being invited. WA proceeded to invite himself just to spite IM. IM threw a fit. They fought again. Then I said that I wasn’t going anywhere until they sat down and sorted their [redacted] out. IM and WA agreed far too easily. If you really want to see it the suit footage will show you the whole five minutes of intense silence followed by the most obnoxious kiss I’ve ever seen. I looked away, because I didn’t need to see my best friend kissing on the wizard he’d been [redacted] to me about for the last several months. I stayed to make sure this wasn’t the prelude to some weird public hate [redacted], but IM just said, “This doesn’t count as our first kiss!” WA laughed and said, “Then I guess we need a do over.” When I looked back they were gone. Suit footage confirms that WA created a portal, though I have no idea where to, and they left through it.

I haven’t seen IM or WA in three days.

So, to the next person who asks me where IM is, this is the answer. Stop asking me.

——

 

Five days later:

“You know that ‘redacted’ isn’t meant to censor no-no words, right, Rhodey bear?”

“You know that wizards aren’t meant to be your personal get away transport, right?”

“We had some very important things to discuss.”

Rhodey gave Tony a Look™️ and Tony just grinned.

“Love you honey bear.”

“Yeah, well next time prove it with a damn text. I’m not filling out another incident report about you going missing. I’m just going to have them declare you dead.”

Tony pulled Rhodey into a hug which he reluctantly returned. “Will do.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted to a [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232671/chapters/40710398) oneshot compilation. Once all the oneshots from that work have been posted individually and have been up for a week, I will delete that work.  
> Find me on [Tumblr](https://iwritefanficsometimes.tumblr.com)


End file.
